chiaroscuro, this time with a bit more light and a little less shadow

I feel like I have been rather negative on this blog recently.  It is true that I have been incredibly overwhelmed lately with how things are going in my life and rather underwhelmed at my ability to deal with life's daily stresses.  Some things are, for sure, tough right now. 
Jack is exerting every ounce of power his little three-year-old self can muster.  I am exhausted with the effort of out-maneuvering and overpowering that little boy's strong, strong will.  Today, I have battle scars in the form of teeth marks.  And he probably still tastes the lingering, acidic effect of the vinegar I stuck on his tongue.  There are long, tough days ahead with that little guy.  But that same tough, strong, passionate spirit that exhausts me also delights me.  While he expresses his anger with abandon, so does he also express his love, adoration, and delight. 
Amélie has been tough in a different way.  She doesn't bite or hit or roar, but she does fling herself on the floor in moments of dramatic flair (and flair, mind you, is a nice way to put it).
"Do you really think I can figure out how to put QUOTATION MARKS OUTSIDE OF OTHER PUNCTUATION MARKS?!?!" 
Oh, the horror.  The injustice.
"YOU WANT ME TO MEMORIZE THIS POEM IN 8 WEEKS?????  I CAN'T DO IT!  I CAN'T!  THERE'S NO WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"
(She has already memorized the poem, by the way, which I knew she would and could.  She learned "Bed in Summer" by Robert Louis Stevenson this week, and next week, we will start a new poem, probably...hopefully...with less panic and drama.)

I see myself in my kids.  I see my own anger, bitten back, swallowed, and then expressed in peeled hangnails, anxiety, depression, and, in my past, through an eating disorder and other various self-destructive behaviors. 

I also see in Jack different flavors of the OCD that haunts me today.  It worries me.  Scares me.  Keeps me up at night with fear and grief.

And in Amélie, I see a mirror-image of the anxiety that plagues me day by day and moment by moment.  How I often greet a new scenario with the desire to fling myself onto the floor, with her exact dramatic flair, and exclaim, "I can't!  I can't!  I just know I CAN'T!!!"

And that's the bad stuff.

But here's the good stuff, and I'm writing it here more for me to remember than for you.  ;)

This week's homeschooling has been great.  Truly great.  Sure, there were the fits about quotation marks and poem memorization.  But honestly, that's been the extent of drama in our homeschooling week, which is pretty much borderline miraculous.  Her attitude has been amazing this week.  She has delighted in learning about how birds incubate eggs.  She has soaked up information on the upcoming Hindu festival of Diwali, and has helped me concoct ways that we can celebrate our own festival of lights.  She has surprised me with the creative, bright color combinations of her rangolis.  She brought me to tears as I saw the empathy and wonder and faith in her eyes as we finished the amazing, adventurous story of the missionary Gladys Aylward .  She has absolutely floored me with her ability to memorize verses and poetry so quickly.  It's been good. 

And I want to remember this good next week, when she doesn't want to do a single blasted thing that is on our school to-do list. 

Several years ago I discovered Leonard Cohen, and some of my favorite lines ever are from his song, "Anthem":
Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.

This week, I am thankful for the cracks that have let in some light.  I needed light.  Oh, how I needed light.   Life is such a woven tapestry of chiaroscuro, and I am thankful that this week, I was blessed to spend some time in the light as well as the shadow.  I am thankful that I can celebrate my own Diwali, my own festival of lights, within my soul.

TOS Review--PGKey's SafeKey

As a member of the TOS Homeschool Crew, we received a PGKey SafeKey in the mail to test and review.  As their website states, "PG Key was created and endorsed by a team that includes internet security specialists, law enforcement, educators, parenting experts and family psychologists to give you the first complete internet safety solution. PG Key gives you everything you need to keep your children and teens safe online and be alerted and informed when dangers do come up – all with one simple, plug in device." 

Their website also clearly explains the tools you will receive when you purchase the PG Key for $49.95, which you can purchase directly from their website, from http://www.amazon.com/, or from select retailers.  You can even request a free trial! 

Access Control

Control computer use by inserting or unplugging PG Key.

Time Allowance
Decide the amount of time the computer can be used daily.

Content Filtering
Eliminate unwanted results from innocent searches.

Site Blocking
Block sites you decide are inappropriate.

Activity Tracking
Review all activity on the PC with a DVD-like interface.

Activity Notifications
Be informed via text message or e-mail of any flagged activity.

Chat and E-mail Logging
See both sides of chat and e-mail conversations.

Computer Configuration
Properly configure all users of the protected PC.

User Name and Password Logging
Keep track of user names and passwords.

Inappropriate Activity Evidence
Use video recording to show obvious or suspected inappropriate activity.

I think that if I suspected that my kids were looking up inappropriate sites on the computer, this device could be very helpful.  It is nice that there are no monthly or annual fees and that all you have to do is plug it in to start protecting your computer (and your kids).  I most appreciated the feature of blocking unwanted results from innocent searches.  I have certainly sat down with my kids to look up a subject we are interested in and been shocked to see what has shown up on the screen!  My fingers' reflexes have certainly been tested to see how quickly they could click away from a picture!  We have not had that problem since inserting the PG Key.

I am not entirely sure how I feel about the chat and email logging and the video recording, however.  Honestly, I don't have kids old enough where I have to worry about what they are typing or chatting.  I would like to think that I won't invade their privacy and check what they are saying online.  It feels like peeking into someone's journal, which feels very wrong to me.  However, some of you with older kids may call me naive, and I may say the same about myself and change my mind when my children are older.  :) 

Because my kids are so young, we did not find this device as useful, I am sure, as families with older kids.  Some of those families with older children did review this product, and you can read what they have to say here. 

Disclaimer: As a member of the TOS Homeschool Crew I was provided a free copy of this product for my honest evaluation. I was given no other compensation for this review.


on falling apart and piecing myself back together again

I can probably count on one hand the number of times Matt has come home from work to find me collapsed someplace crying.  Truthfully, I don't cry that much.  Honestly, I wish I cried more than I did.  I often feel like crying much more frequently than I can actually execute the crying.  Thursday afternoon, however, was an exception.  When Matt walked in the back door, I was crying.  And I couldn't stop. 
I had to stop, though, because I am driven by duty, and I was hosting the mom's group from church for dinner.  So after a few minutes of sympathetic hugging (thankfully, he wasn't intent on fixing the situation at that moment), I turned off the tears and got to work.
I still felt sick to my stomach, though.

Thursday was not a good day. 
Turns out, Friday wasn't really either. 
The thing is, I think I am a bit of a mess at the moment. 

I actually started this post on Friday, and I spelled out the nightmare of the day before.  It wasn't that bad.  It was kid stuff.  Temper tantrums.  Whining.  A feeling of complete and utter helplessness and incompetence in my role as a parent.  The kind of junk we moms and dads deal with all of the time.
But I had absolutely no emotional reserve to handle it.
And that's why I fell apart. 

I have observed, though, in these past few days when I have felt on the brink of losing my mind, the moments when I feel a bit more pieced together again.
The people I have spent time with in the past few days have no idea how just the acts of engaging in adult conversation, receiving a friendly hug, or offering a sympathetic nod have strengthened me, fortified me, and helped me weave the shreds of my soul back together again.

And here's the other thing I realized: I need to read.
Last night the kids played outside a bit and I sat inside on the couch.  One hand was in a popcorn bowl filled with coconut-oil and salt drenched popcorn.  The other hand was turning pages of a book I have connected to in ways I can't quite explain.
The book is called Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith by Kathleen Norris.  I would love to recommend this book to you, but I'm not sure how.  About a week ago I sent an effusively enthusiastic email to someone about this book.  I copied a poignant and inspiring paragraph.  I offered my own insight.  I think the email fell on deaf ears (or blind eyes, or whatever emails fall on). 
And that's OK, because the thing about this book is that I want to burrow down into it.  When I read this book I curl up, hunker down, and let is swallow, nourish, and envelop me. 

You know how sometimes, when you carry a delicious secret around with you for a long time, and you tell someone about it, it somehow loses its deliciousness?
That's how this book is, perhaps.
Except............I'm telling you about it. 
I'm not telling you anything specific, though.  I'm not necessarily recommending it to you.
I'm just saying that this book has been necessary for me.
And that after I finish it, I will probably feel a little lost...but also, I hope, more whole and complete.

Maybe you should read this book.
And if you do, maybe you shouldn't tell me about it.
Maybe you should just let yourself be swallowed, nourished, and enveloped. 

And maybe, just maybe, next time you see me you will find me a little less emotionally shredded and a little more at peace. 



blogwalk

The blogwalk has been a bit quiet over at TOS lately, so when another list was posted it got lost in the shuffle of my life.  Here is the blogwalk from a couple of weeks ago:

1. Hearthside Homeschool Reviews... And More
2. Loving Learning at Home
3. Life on the Roller Coaster
4. A Life Better Than I Deserve
5. Joy in the Journey
6. Homeschooling, Autism and Stuff
7. There is Hope
8. Homeschool Reviews for You
9. Mom Loves Books
10. The Legacy of Home

this 'n that

I started a post last week, and part of it was a whole paragraph devoted to a glowing review of homeschooling, so I can't post that tonight, because my daughter informed me this afternoon that she doesn't learn anything in school.  Now, I will say, she said the same thing last year when she was in regular school (and, I think, the year before), so of course she is not a credible source, but still,
I'll admit,
I flipped out a bit.
SERIOUSLY???????  Not learning?
What, exactly, does she think we do from 9:00 - 3:30 or so every flippin' day???? 
When she asks to read yet another chapter of a book to me, is that not learning?
When she explains to Matt at the dinner table how our food is digested or how our nerves deliver messages to our brain or how our nose blocks germs or about her vibrating voice box has she really learned nothing? 
When she recognizes the Greek gods and goddesses when they come up in a TV show, has she not been learning?
When she has memorized twelve Bible verses in the past 8 weeks, is that not learning?
When she can whip the fact families out of her brain, is that not learning?
When she can name the 7 continents and 4 oceans without even blinking, is that not learning?
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'll admit it.  I kinda...sorta...lost it a bit.  I didn't yell or scream or throw things (although inside that is precisely what I was doing), but I did suggest that, if she didn't think she was learning, she could most certainly attend the lovely school down the street, and then I would spend my day doing other things.
"Like what?" she asked, incredulously.
Like what?
Well, I could catch up on laundry.  I could reinvent the friendships that somehow dissipated in the past few months.  I could take on more doula clients.  I could write.  I could read.  I could clean my house.  I could sit down with a quiet and solitary cup of coffee in the afternoon.  I could go back to baking bread. 

I'm not trying to be a martyr here.  I love homeschooling her.  I do.  I love the bond we now have.  I love the lovely people who have floated into my life since we started homeschooling.  I love the depth and breadth and realness of the new friends I have made.  I love learning with her. 
But today, I was ready to chuck it all. 

Tonight, I'm still frustrated, but I'm clinging to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
Like...maybe...my client will go into labor and we will have the day off.  :)
No, seriously...
(well, seriously, that's precisely what I am thinking)
But seriously...
it's temporary.  This semester has been, overall, great.  I can't BELIEVE how much she is learning, despite the fact that she thinks otherwise.

In fact, maybe I should be happy she said that.  Honestly, it's doesn't "feel" like she is learning when she is reading to me a book about a family headed out to California during the Gold Rush.  It doesn't "feel" like she is learning when we are reading about the people of Guinea Bissau.  It doesn't "feel" like we are learning when we play math games with M&M's and Fruit Loops. 
But she is learning.
I am learning.
And it's all going to be OK.
Tomorrow is a new day, with a fresh slate...the promise of sunshine...and a mama who is at 4cm and is going to go into labor any second (please, please, please, please, please).

Schleich--TOS Homeschool Review

While I love any day that a package of homeschooling materials to review comes in the mail, I must admit that it was a particularly joyous day in our household when I opened up a box of items to review that contained TOYS!!!  It was like Christmas had arrived at our household...only the mail carrier was the deliverer of the coveted goods rather than Santa and the temperature topped 90 degrees rather than bottoming out below freezing. 

The reason for our glee was a box of animal figures from the German manufacturer Schleich.  Schleich is a company that produces over 500 quality, realistic figurines that spark a child's imagination and provide hours of creative play.  According to the introductory letter I received from the company in the mail, "The 'Schleich way to play' offers an ideal bridge from early learning books to creative play without the need for explanation or instructions.  All our toys are natural and accurate copies of the animals, people, historical periods, and fantasy worlds they represent.  Each toy mould is precision engineered by a German master craftsman who works on the finest details for up to six weeks.  After finishing, the figurines are all painted by hand--meaning each toy is absolutely unique.  Most importantly, they are durable and safe while exceeding global safety standards." 

As you can infer from the above paragraph, the quality of Schleich toys is outstanding.  We have many animal toys in our household, but none of these even begins to compare with the realistic, quality figures that we received from this company.  My two children noticed the difference, too.  Instead of clopping their plastic figurines through a plastic barnyard, my kids were suddenly transported to the jungle with these toys, and they were growling and pounding their way through the brush and trees that had apparently suddenly sprung up on my living room floor.  My three-year-old son especially enjoys integrating these animals into his imaginative play. 

My only potential concern with this product is the price.  These toys, while not outrageously expensive, are more pricey than most toy animals.  As you can see here, they range in price from about $7.00 to almost $100.00.  However, I must say that after having these toys in my home, I would most certainly recommend paying the extra few dollars for toys that are this well-crafted. 

If you would like to try these toys out for yourself (or your kids!), you can find them in the Kansas City area at speciality toy shops like Zoom and Arsa Toys, and they are also available at Target and Toys "R" Us.  You should certainly check them out! 

Some of my fellow Crew members have also been playing with Schleich toys! If you want to see their reviews, you can do so here.

Disclaimer: As a member of the TOS Homeschool Crew I was provided a free copy of this product for my honest evaluation. I was given no other compensation for this review.

Salem Ridge Press--TOS Review

A few weeks ago we received the book Soldier Fritz and the Enemies He Fought in the mail  from Salem Ridge Press.  We also received two e-books, Mary Jane--Her Visit  and The American Twins of the Revolution just to give us a better taste of the types of books that this company has to offer.    

Salem Ridge Press was founded in 2005 to offer reprints of quality, previously published children's books from the 1800's and early 1900's.  Following the Charlotte Mason principle of learning through "living books" rather than textbooks, this company offers books that make history come alive for the young readers who quickly become engrossed in the stories these authors weave. 

The stories that I read to my daughter from this company actually reminded me of the books I read when I was a child.  I honestly can't say that I remember one detail from a history class, but I could retell countless tales of the history I learned as I read and re-read stories of people who lived in a different time and place.  Similarly, I quickly became engrossed in the stories we received.  I must confess that I cheated and read ahead a bit because our daily reading time wasn't going quite fast enough, and I wanted to know what was going to happen in the lives of the children in whom I had become so quickly invested. 

One thing that I really appreciated about these books is that they tell a compelling, well-written story in a way that appeals to young (and old) listeners and readers.  My daughter was especially engrossed in the story of Sally and Roger, the twins whose story of living through The Revolution is captivatingly and descriptively told.  I watched Amélie include bits of their story in her pretend play, and I was reminded of my own youth and the hours I spent pretending I was helping slaves escape on the Underground Railroad or attending Queen Elizabeth as a lady-in-waiting.  I love it that I see that same creativity and love for history in my own daughter.  

As their website notes, the founders of Salem Ridge Press believe, as I do, that introducing quality literature to our children helps them excel in writing, vocabulary, history, geography, and science.  This belief is one of the main reasons I made the radical leap of pulling Amélie out of public school and teaching her at home.  History is a living, breathing guest in our home, and I wouldn't trade the creativity or the love for learning she has gifted our family with for anything...even that well-coveted solitary cup of coffee in the afternoon.  :)   

Another perk of Salem Ridge Press is the clarity and organization of their website.  I found it very easy to maneuver through the site and find books not only alphabetically, but also by time period and location, author, and age range.  This organization is especially helpful for parents trying to find books that might pique interest in a fledgling reader or that might supplement the study of a particular historical time period.  You can also find listings by New Releases, Historical Fiction, Adventure, Allegory, and Younger Readers.

While I appreciate the fact that I can buy these books for my kids and not have to worry about my kids reading anything questionable, I take issue with their editing of passages that include any sort of physical affection.  I think it is important for my children to understand the importance of expressing love in a physical way, and while I wouldn't want them to be reading what goes on behind a bedroom door, I want them to read about couples who have healthy, physical relationships.  I believe this exposure will help my kids as they try to maneuver the tricky waters of relationships with the opposite sex.  Besides, if they never read about any other adults in books kissing or hugging one another, they will come to the totally errant conclusion that their parents are just plain weird.  :) 

I do, however, think that these books could be a valuable supplement to any parents' library, and since they are priced fairly reasonably from $10.95 - $24.95, many families could probably afford to choose some favorites to purchase and to enjoy again and again. 

Some of my fellow Crew members also received books from this company. If you want to see their reviews, you can do so here.

Disclaimer: As a member of the TOS Homeschool Crew I was provided a free copy of this product for my honest evaluation. I was given no other compensation for this review.