doing the best i can

I made some New Years resolutions.  I'm generally failing.

sigh.

I resolved to get up early and write, and then to write a bit more after the kids go to bed.
I did this for exactly three days, and I was so tired and cranky that I quit.  Would I get used to lack of sleep if I had to?

I resolved to get up early and exercise.
I walked with Jillian for four days two weeks ago, but then this week was so freakin' cold that we didn't walk.  I resolved that I would get up and exercise anyway.  But I didn't.  My excuse is that I didn't want to wake the puppy.  Um...........yeah.  I really do well with accountability, and when my friend wasn't waiting for me at the literal crack of dawn, I couldn't pull it off.  This frustrates me.  I want to be more self-motivated.

This is really off-topic, but I do really, really well if I have a syllabus.  When I was in school, I vacillated between being totally overwhelmed and totally fascinated with my syllabi.  I studied my syllabi.  I loved copying due dates into my planner.  I would feel freaked out and overwhelmed yet somehow also in control.

I need syllabi for my life, I think.
A syllabus for cleaning my house.
A syllabus for homeschool.  (I have this, I guess, and it is controlling my life in a not-so-positive way.)
A syllabus for writing.
A syllabus for exercising.
A syllabus for sex.  (well, it's true!)
A syllabus for fun.  (kinda sad.  i know. i know. i know.)

ANYWAY, I am actually succeeding in one resolution.  I have been reading for pleasure.  I cannot abandon reading for learning entirely, because my brain craves it and thrives on it, but I also crave reading for pleasure.  I get so incredibly overwhelmed with the NUMBER OF AMAZING BOOKS IN THE UNIVERSE.  There are many of them.  How will I get to them all?  Where do I start?  Well, I won't get to them all, but I decided to start with Pulitzer Prize winners, so that is what I am doing (except that I have had a lovely email exchange with a friend over some other books that have now sneaked onto the list, which IS OK, because (please remind me of this) it is OK to stray out of the lines.).  I just finished Shakespeare's Kitchen, and now I am reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, which I can't decide whether I like or not.  Have any of you read it?  If so, what did you think?  Should I keep reading, because there are a lot of books out there, and I don't want to waste my time.  :)  It's a really odd book, and after the first ten pages I was ready to abandon it, but I kept reading, and now I'm kind of fascinated and kind of turned off all at the same time.  I'll keep at it. 

I also resolved to eat X number of fruits and vegetables a day.  I'm not telling you how many I said I would eat, because you will laugh at me, but really...........I thought it was possible.  I had this theory that if I ate an inordinate amount of fruits and vegetables I would just automatically lose weight, kinda like magic, kinda like I would hardly have room for anything else.  I'm thinking about making a checklist for this one.
And a syllabus.  :)

So, I'm not doing so great.  But I have a new mantra for 2011.  Want to hear it?
It's this:
I will just do the best I can.

Here's the thing:
I probably will not end this year as skinny as I would like to be.
I probably won't eat as many vegetables as I should.
I probably won't tick as many Pulitzer Prize winners off of my list as I wanted to.
I probably won't write as much as my soul longs to write.
I probably won't spend as much time playing with my kids as I should.
I will probably make some major homeschooling error that will cost Amélie her first college choice.
I will probably not have sex as much as Matt would like.
I will probably spend my days more overwhelmed than is healthy.
I will probably not take some risks that would be life-changing.

But I will do some of those things.
I will hopefully get into a good exercise routine.
I will hopefully eat more veggies.
I will hopefully read more good books.
I will hopefully write.
I will hopefully play.
I will hopefully have some pretty good sex.
I will hopefully learn to cope a bit better.
I will hopefully take some fantastic risks.

And in the meantime, I'm going to do the best I can.  I'm going to be just, plain good enough. 
Because perfect is impossible.  And paralyzing.  And it ruins my life. 

I'm not about mediocre.  I hate mediocre.
But I have to embrace good enough.
Tomorrow starts a new week.
And next week,
I will exercise.
I will eat vegetables.
I will read.
I will write. 
I will play.
I will have sex.
I will claw my way out of feeling overwhelmed.
I will take a risk that will leave me stronger than I am tonight.

It's all good.
I'm going to do the best I can.
And then take a really deep breath and be OK with that.